healing.

I was more than ready for 2008 to end, for that chapter of my life to close. I was looking forward to embracing the newness being offered by the start of another year, without the heaviness that had accompanied most of my days. I went through an extended time of grieving for a loss that affected who I was and how I saw things. Hurt has a way of doing that, regardless of how hard I wished it didn't, or that at least it wouldn't last so long.

As difficult as it was, I knew I needed to let go and move on. Surrendering is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but one of the most liberating at the same time. I had to come to some painful realizations and accept them, because not doing so would have left me inhibited and guarded, with my heart eternally broken. And that's not where I wanted to stay. It was necessary for me to understand that no matter what I will never be the same because of what happened, and that having been changed by it is not necessarily a bad thing. How could it be, when it made me discover what I was really made of and Who I was anchored on? I refuse to let this past year forever define who I now am. I'm resolved to not allow it to set the course and direction of my future. It has already had more influence than I care to continue to tolerate.

I admit there are still times when I feel slight twinges from thoughts of things that will never be, but those same thoughts have since been surpassed by more pleasant and brighter possibilities. 2009 brought exactly the fresh beginning that I needed. It came with a new-found bearing when it came to my emotions and experiences. There is now an expectancy within me that I haven't had in a long time. For what, I don't know exactly, but the hope is there nonetheless. And while it may have been a long, drawn-out, even overlapping process to get here, I can confidently say that the healing has not only begun, it is well on its way.