doing right.

Lately I've found myself wondering more and more why doing the right thing so often hurts so much. I'm not talking about stopping when the light is red, or saying thank you, or paying your bills on time (although I admit that carries a special pain in it of itself). What I'm thinking about is more along the lines of letting go – of expectations, or fears, or attitudes. Even sacrificing what you would normally do and say, for the greater good – like keeping silent even when everything inside you wants to scream, at the top of your lungs, over and over and over again. Or, offering the other cheek, while the one is still sore and bruised from having been struck so harshly. I'm also talking about forgiving people, especially those who refuse to admit they've done anything wrong. And then there's loving people still, even when they don't love you back.

In the process I've had to examine my real motivation in doing what is right. I've learned that repeatedly my behavior has been encouraged by personal pleasure and satisfaction. My tendency is to do things because of convenience and security. I've also been reacting, feeding off of the actions of others. And so when there becomes the slightest discomfort or struggle involved, it easily leads me to question whether this is how things are really supposed to be.

What I take for granted is that my conduct is not supposed to be self-serving. It isn't even meant to be for the benefit of others necessarily. Instead, my life in its entirety is to be a response to the ultimate Authority who did everything right regardless of the suffering that accompanied it. He knows better than anyone how painful it is to forgive those who haven't asked for forgiveness, to love His enemies and to always put others before Himself. Not only that, He did it without complaint. With this as my example, my standard, I pray for the grace to do what is right no matter what, better.